The strange little paradox: passive suicidal ideation.
" People think of things like suicide in such black or white terms. But much like everything else , it’s far more nuanced and complex than what many see, or try to understand. I can be in a really great mood, I could be having the best day of my life. I might be surrounded by people who love me. But still, suicidal thoughts will bubble up in my mind and linger.
I don’t have to be in a bad mood, depressed or drowning in negative self talk to have thoughts of suicide. They can surface when i’m on holiday, doing something i’m passionate about, or working to achieve my goals. They may always be with me, but that doesn’t mean I have any intention of acting on them"
-- Tea Jay, Mental Health on The Mighty ( edited) - -
Ah passive suicidal ideation, perhaps the strangest and most twisted little life saver that you've probably never heard of.
I recently stumbled onto the story of one person’s experiences with passive suicidal ideation - When you feel suicidal but don't want to die. It resonated with me in the way over-hearing a conversation about something deeply familiar and that you know in your soul, but have never spoken of - because so few would understand.
Clinically, passive suicidal ideation is defined as " the desire to die, but with no plan or intent to act on it", and it’s more common than you might think. Talking of suicide can of course be a clear sign that someone is in need of help or urgent professional care, and needs to be taken seriously. However there is a defined difference between having serious thoughts of suicide or self harm, and passive suicidal ideation - it’s nuanced, but when you understand it, it’s clear.
The Mighty - Let's Talk About the Difference Between Passive and Active Suicidal Thoughts
For some of us living with a mental health condition, passive suicidal ideation can be just a normal part of our day. We learn how to understand and manage it, adapt to its ever present lingering, and sometimes even find ways to make it work for us. Everyone who experiences it has their own unique approach to managing it though.
It’s a difficult concept to describe, but the story from the Mighty sparked a want to try.
Passive suicidal ideation is a bit like having a grey undercurrent of not necessarily wanting to die, just not wanting to be alive, in our thoughts and feelings. It’s not loud, aggressively negative and out to destroy us like our inner critic, or doubt filled insecurity and poor self image, it’s not even maliciously harmful or made of intent like serious thoughts of suicide and self harm.
It is disruptive though. It’s a dispassionate, distanced, dull, ever present feeling on a rolling tide. It isn’t attached to other emotions - positive or negative, triggers, events, anxieties or thoughts and it can bubble up at any time, no matter what you’re doing, feeling or thinking.
It’s more of a feeling and whispered thoughts ( that you have no intention of acting on) of things like
“You know, being dead would fix all this”,
“Urgh, why are we still here? How are you not done yet?” or
“The deal was 40 dude.. I don’t know if you’re trying to prove yourself right or wrong here, but this whole overachieving thing, isn’t even worth it.”
“Is 4 floors high enough to do it, or will leaping off the balcony just be annoying af and break a few things - Whatever, let’s find out. ”
The story published on The Mighty is valuable because passive suicidal ideation is rarely talked about or understood, but it does paint a very dark, dire, engulfing image of it. Everyone’s experience is different though and it doesn’t always feel like the overwhelming negative force described. Let’s leave those feelings to the hours, days, and months wasted in the deep black holes and thick grey fogs that depression fucks us with.
My version of passive suicidal ideation comes with something unexpected, and very different - it has a strangely creative edge.
The whispered thoughts and ideas of passive suicidal ideation often lead me to daydreaming and acting them out. Far from being actual thoughts of suicide and strategies though, these daydreams are more like a weird kind of creative outlet that helps the thinking fade away. I’ve learned that these passive suicidal ideation daydreams can also be valuable for clearing negative thoughts, lightening and refocussing my mind, stress relief ( albeit a fucking weird style) and acting as a type of black bubble burster clearing a blockage.
It’s almost impossible to understand these daydreams and how they the can flip these negative intrusions into positives, so this peak into a typical passive daydream might help - do you dare though?.
Some days I get a whisper with the great idea of melodramatically rolling myself under the wheels of every bus that drives by , and I imagine how peaceful, free and satisfying that feeling of being dead would be. No more dealing with things like the dark days, deadlines, bills, taxes, dishes, missing out on fire sneaks when they drop, bad hair weeks, the ongoing “yes”/”no” boyfriend debate and trying to remember the answers to all the questions on the STI check test ( or making them up if you’re having a quiet year). The best thing I imagine about tripping under a bus though, is unimaginable bliss and calm of not having to deal with my-fucking-self anymore. #A+mazing
...
Then I remember that no one knows or would ever guess my passwords and my phone would be crushed so there’s no chance of getting past the two factor authorisations on all my devices and accounts.
I feel bad for inconveniencing the poor fuckers on the bus left to tell the story, and the therapy they’d probably need, and i start to pity the fool left with the challenge of my doing my admin and paperwork....
Being dead also means no more simple joys like ice cream, lego, sneaks, rainy days, Golden Girls, gin and tonic, travel, thirst traps or summer days at the beach - my ultimate happy place.
Then the disruptive whispered thoughts start to fade away, because life might be a challenging mess, but who wants to be dead when there’s beaches full of boys in speedos to thirst over.
With a few deep breathes of meditative calm, I pack up the daydream and dive back into reality, feeling a little bit fresher.
For me, these thoughts and daydreams aren’t just a normal day, they’ve become a healthy tool for managing my mental health. I think they’ve also played a large role in developing my dark and twisted sense of humour, just one of my defence mechanisms for disempowering depression vibes. Daydreaming scenarios of suicide being normal and healthy should not make any sense, but for my twisted mind, it does.
I've daydreamed and planned in detail hundreds of these types of empty passive suicidal ideations, and they never lead to any harm like you might expect. The three times I planned acted to check out with deliberate intent it was like slowly being stripped of life, purpose and identity piece by piece. My passive plans and daydreams do the complete opposite - they help to give me life.
Mental health is complex and looks different on everyone though, and it’s important to understand that this is only my experience, perspective and approach to this grey undercurrent. Everyone has their own ride, and we all do it differently. For some people this passive ideation may be a pit of quicksand they struggle with every step to get through, others may feel made of lead until it passes. Any talk of suicide can of course be a call for help - a call that everyone should be able to hear, and act on.
Not everyone is has the type of twisted sense of humour to be able turn passive suicidal ideation into a joke as a defence mechanism.
One thing that I find fascinating about this being normal and healthy for me is the way it highlights how different and messed up each of our versions of normal can sound to each other.
As long as whatever works for you, works you - then just keep at it.
The Mighty is an online mental health community rich with stories, articles and contributions from community members that are honest, open, real and relatable, and extremely valuable.
The Mighty expertly nails supporting and connecting people living with all forms of mental health conditions and helping those around them understand these experiences more clearly. connects and empowers people facing health challenges and disabilities. They have some great content and are definitely worth a visit - https://themighty.com
