the bankrupt circus
So some great, fun, exciting stuff happened for me in 2013…
- For the first time in an embarrassing amount of years I travelled overseas and had an awesome 2 weeks with a old friend I’d not seen in too many years in a city I love
- A years long project of changing careers saw a first big step and I moved into my first social media role
- I saw some great theatre with some lifelong idols ; Angela Lansbury & James Earl Jones performing together & a one woman show with Bette Midler & the most experiential, adventurous & enjoyable piece in “Sleep No More”
- I was so proud for a friend I respect & love deeply for taking a leap of faith.. and succeeding as I knew she would
- Drag was bought out in random locations, my favourite place to take it.. a summer island homo paradise and group fitness classes at the gym
- I entered and was chosen for a great, motivating and reenergizing fitness, health & hotness competition that results in a photoshoot for a gay mag, distributed here and internationally.. (I’m still nervous about this as the standard of hotness they shoot is way above my reflection.). I’ve also surprised myself with my commitment, changes and new habits that I intend to keep.
- I managed to keep breathing for another 365 days, without injuring myself
- I passed all my uni subjects despite being THE WORST student in the world
- Some great movies were seen
- The Golden Age Cinema opened, showing classics in an old school, intimate cinema. It’s unique and lovely
- Unlike last summer when I was locked up like Joan Crawford in What Happened to Baby Jan and sulking I’ve already had great summery beach and pool days!
- Thanks to my trip I’ve had summer twice this year… twice!
- I’ve kept, and maybe even grown, my great group of friends
There are many more little things that I am grateful for and all this made for a good, fun, fulfilling year…. At least they should have.
While all these great things have been happening the joy I should feel is dampened, I continue to withdraw, isolate and put distance between myself and others, feel my social awkwardness grow and watch my confidence fail, still so I love with my ex & miss him every day & just want back what we so badly fucked up, it’s as beautiful & hurtful & hopeful as it is futile, tell myself the most horrible things (the noise is deafening), panic as my bank balance and social life fail thanks to earning the least I’ve earned in nearly 15 years in a role that’s a step in the right direction but not really giving me what i need (while I’m working on changing this the short term pain / long term gain cliché only holds for so long), have bouts of insomnia and question the value and purpose of every breathe, step and decision I make. For fucks sake I’m pushing 40 and, well, I feel like I’m standing in the remnants of failed, bankrupt circus. Just bring in the muthfucking clowns already!
In short I’m in a depressed spiral. This is actually something I’ve lived with all of my adult life…sometimes under control, sometimes medicated, often running wild and rampant. Ever tried to catch and cage a wild animal?
I always laugh when people say I’m brave for doing some of the wilder, louder or more public things I’ve done, actually that’s easy.. more often than not the hardest, bravest thing I do is get out of bed and ‘just keep swimming’ without throwing myself under a speedboat propellor.. or trying (again) any of the things on my “get out of jail free” list (I’ll let you decipher the real meaning)..
I’ve been feeling particularly bad lately for a particularly long time, which is probably why I’m writing this and it’s one of those self fulfilling prophecies that catasrophises itself.. one wave starts another and all of a sudden your sucked into a whirlpool drowning (actually you wish you were so it would just all be over)
The countless therapies, warning signs and coping mechanisms must all work though cause hey, the mask is still on and although it’s been slipping more and more, I’m still standing.. in the ruins of a bankrupt circus.
I keep moving and busy, sit or stand for too long and the deafening noise is all i hear, I keep myself apart because everything reminds me of something i should feel but don’t & the one whose always missing, I laugh because, well… stop & the dullness engulfs you. At times i’m exhausted but for three words… #gameonmole
The dullness.. it steals the joy, holds your “self” to ransom, is expensive but worthless and takes no prisoners….. and no one can fight it but me.
Well that was a cheery insight wasn’t it?
Todays toast is served with honey.. just to sweeten the taste.