Holiday….. with a side of empty neurosis
Planning a holiday should be a wonderful, exciting thing. New adventures, new places, new lifestyle, new streets, food to taste, shops to see, bars to play in, the list of exploration and discovery goes on…. Stepping out of your own life, even for a moment should feel fantastic…. So why doesn’t it?
I’ve always had excuses to not travel.. too busy, not enough money, new job, no job, study, fear and sheer bloody minded, stupid obstinence… I’ve made them all and now, days away from my first overseas holiday in an embarrassingly long time, happy to going away, looking forward to catching up with great friends I’ve not seen in far too long, going to a city filled with life and I just don’t feel the excitement I should.
Almost a year on from becoming single, heading off on what should be my big city, first single lady adventure and I still feel the way I did the day we became single… actually probably worse since the unicorn I call hope recently died. Instead of feeling elated and ready to jump on a plane I’m filled with regret & foolishness at my past stubbornness and an emptiness that only comes from feeling completely alone.
I feel ridiculous and sad for every no and every mistake that got us here, not just mine by the way, and stupid that I find myself packing and planning for one when “I” should be “we” and it just wasn’t meant to be this way.
I know when there’s new ground under my feet and I see the smiles of my old friends this will clear.. or at least move to the background for a while. My room is waiting, I’m staying with great friends and spending time with others, plans have been made and the fun is about to begin, I can hardly say I’m doing it alone. There’s no rhyme or reason here, just an empty heart and my only wish is that the other happy.
I can stand without, it’s been done before, i just don’t want to so here I am, reflecting on the neurosis, still wanting this bad dream to end, wanting to fix the broken even though I know the unicorn is dead. Ridiculous right?
Todays toast is served with self indulgent mumbo jumbo that should be past it’s use by date.
Break out the butter, I’ll be back real soon
p.s my plan is to blog more while I’m away and I promise they’ll have a brighter, less neurotic tone.